Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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