I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
