Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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