I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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