dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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