I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We are all done wearing pants today
Floor bacon is actually really good
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
