also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
