My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we made out on top of his cat.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
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where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
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Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.