I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she smelled like a LAN party
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
