walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
