Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
