Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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