I think I died a long time ago.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
