I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
