I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I want to be your penis for a week.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize