Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
