the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We need to get me chipped asap
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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