Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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