I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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