I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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