I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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