You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
