It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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