Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
