Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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