When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
