I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
