mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
