"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
