Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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