she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
