Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
