Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
