I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
This is not my ceiling
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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