I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
