you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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