96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
