You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
