Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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