Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
