My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
