Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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