The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
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You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
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I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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