i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
