Only a mothe r could love this liver
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
