Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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