shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.