Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
