i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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