I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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