My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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