There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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