so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
vagina is talking i cant
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
