Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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