Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
