He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
